Dear Dr. Sachi

Dear Dr. Sachi: I know I promised you to lose 17 pounds before my next checkup and I wanted to let you know how it's going.
Pretty well, really. Here in Ireland I've been limiting myself to no more than two Jameson 12-years a day. And on the rocks just so you know I am staying well hydrated. I've cut beer consumption down to a few ha-pints daily of which no more than half are stouts. They do say that 'Guinness is good food' and I am taking them at their word. I am limiting beer consumption only to visits to pubs that serve food. Crab claws, goat cheese wontons and chips are all healthy intermezzos between meals, no? Can i help it if the chips I ordered for lunch yesterday came with Lasagna?
OK, Sachi, there is a fair bit of wine available here and I feel obliged to try some, but always in moderation. Well, I suppose you could argue that a moderate amount of a lot of wine is Immoderate but let's not split hairs here, doc.
And we always drink our wine with our dinners, which have been very healthy...Irish stew, whole pork loins and the like.
Uh,Is cheese a vegetable or a fruit? Whichever, you'll be pleased that I am getting plenty of servings.
You sound petulant! Maybe I have been letting myself go a bit here in Ireland, but I promise I'll get serious about losing this extra poundage when we get to Paris next week.
Really
Faithfully, John